This post was written by Karen DeArmond Gardner who was our October Empower speaker and specifically chosen to address the topic of Domestic Violence for this awareness month. Karen is also a volunteer with Alive at Last and currently serves as a small group leader at one of the shelters we partner with.
Karen is the founder Another One Free and the author of Hope for Healing Domestic Abuse. She is an advocate for women, providing emotional and spiritual support as they heal after trauma, betrayal, and abuse. She walks with women as they learn to reframe what is normal and real as they heal, so they can rediscover who God is and who they are.
October is a month of change, from hot to cool, green to orange. The air is crisp and clean. Overnight, trees morph into vibrant colors that take your breath away with their beauty, unless you live in Texas.
October is my birthday month, and the month to bring awareness to causes such as breast cancer, down syndrome, and domestic violence. Though most of us don’t want to talk about domestic violence.
Each of these causes can take your breath away by the sheer ugliness of their impact on lives. Compassion naturally extends to those battling breast cancer and parents of children with Down syndrome, who face unique challenges. Life is tough for everyone, and none choose the hardships they confront.
Domestic violence is different. Often viewed as a “marriage problem,” the misconception is that the victim can leave at any time. Many believe she has a choice or that some flaw within her keeps her in the situation.
We may think I wouldn’t put up with that for five minutes! I thought that too. You might perceive these women as weak, but that’s far from the truth.
Reality is deceptive, to most, it appears she has the perfect marriage, and he’s a wonderful husband. What remains hidden are the control and manipulation behind closed doors—the invisible bruises on her soul, the constant verbal assaults. What may seem like an ideal life is, in reality, a state of despair.
From the moment they said, “I do,” the abuser revealed the monster behind the charm. Systematically, he stripped her of choices, isolated her from loved ones, shattered her identity, and subjected her to mental and emotional torment. He used both violent and nonviolent tactics to condition her, making her entirely dependent on him for basic necessities.
She might not even realize she’s being abused. Over time, her choices disappear as she’s conditioned to revolve around him. She stops thinking about herself and her children, as his reality becomes her only focus.
The emotional abuse leaves no physical marks and is undetectable to the outside world. She guards the family secret, and if asked, she’ll deny the abuse.
However, there are moments of clarity when she decides to leave, only to be told by well-meaning sources to submit, pray more, forgive, and be a better wife. She’s made to feel responsible for his behavior, and her cries for help fall on deaf ears.
She may not know she lost herself or understand she’s being abused. She has no words to define what he does to her, which sounds absurd when said out loud. Over time, he takes away her choices. He conditions her to set herself aside and revolve around him. She stops thinking of herself and her kids. When she thinks about herself and her children, he yanks her back to his reality with a look.
He slashes with words; and causes pain without leaving marks. The emotional battery is undetectable to the outside world. She keeps the family secret. If you ask her, she’ll deny she’s being abused.
She can’t admit what she can’t acknowledge. It’s a horrifying moment for her when she finally says it out loud and no one believes her.
There are times of clarity when she has had enough and decides she wants to leave. However, after attending church or speaking with a pastor, they remind her to submit, pray more, forgive him, and have more sex. Don’t you know God hates divorce? She is told, that if she would be a better wife, he would be a better man. As if she is responsible for his behavior.
His response, if confronted, is to say, “I didn’t do it. It wasn’t as bad as she said, or she did _____ so I did ____.” They blame her for causing him to react. She may even be told she’ll go to hell if she seeks a divorce.
What a distorted view of our Father. How he must grieve when his children can’t see beyond themselves to know when someone is screaming for help. Or to imagine that He expects his daughters to live in a house of horrors.
God designed the Church to look like marriage, where Jesus is the Bridegroom, loves and sacrifices Himself for His Bride. He loves His Bride extravagantly; He doesn’t abuse or harm His Bride. He doesn’t demean, abuse, punish, or berate His Bride.
Yet some of us may believe that God values marriage over the lives of women and children.
I hope today I challenged what you believe about domestic abuse and that at least one woman will see the abuser for who he is, that he may never change and she will decide she is worthy of more.
Domestic violence has many names: Coercive control, intimate terrorism, domestic abuse, and difficult marriages. It’s what kidnappers and terrorists do to their captives, yet when it’s wrapped in marriage, we see it as if she has a choice.
Do you know someone who you suspect is being abused?
Reach out to her to let her know you see her, that you love her, and that if she needs anything, you’re there to help—without mentioning your suspicions.
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